Podcast: Play in new window
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On this episode of the podcast, Jeff and Terry host a mini relationship workshop focusing on disagreements within our relationships. In this workshop, you will learn that you get to choose your response to a disagreement. They also offer insight on how to choose a response when all you want to do is react.
Transcription of the Podcast
Jeff:
Again, I’m looking out here at a beautiful blue sky. Now I can look at that blue sky and I can say a couple of things. I can say, “It is gorgeous out there, it’s a bright sunny day.” Or I can look at this flag waving in the background going, “Oh, I can tell by the direction that flag is waving, there is a cold north wind out there,” and I can pick, right? I can go, “Wow! I’m going to go outside and I’m going to freeze because it’s really cold out,” or I can go outside and go, “Wow! It’s a bright sunny day.”
Jeff:
(singing)
Jeff:
Hey, welcome back to another Journey Podcast and we are excited to talk about relationships today. In fact, we’re going to do a little relationship workshop because relationships are important. My name is Jeff. I’ve got Terry here. Terry is a licensed full-time counselor-
Terry:
Hi.
Jeff:
And deals with… Tell us a little bit about the sort of what you do during… What is your day job? You’re dealing with a lot of people walking in and they have some really deep weeds, relational stuff going on, right?
Terry:
Oh, yeah. I would say 90% of the time it’s a relationship workshop in my office.
Jeff:
Right.
Terry:
We’re working on different kinds of relationship issues that show up. We may have other things we’re talking about like addictions and affairs and things like that, but ultimately, it’s about relationships. It’s about that sticky icky kind of stuff that happens between two or more people.
Jeff:
Well, and the thing is for you and other counselors, the thing that I always sort of find interesting sitting back on the sidelines is that, and tell me if I’m off base on this, but a lot of people really wait and really get into a lot of hurt and a lot of struggle and it’s like, “Oh, what is the very last thing I can do on the planet to do… Oh, okay, I’ll go to a counselor.” Right?
Terry:
I had a couple come in one time years ago and one of them said… I asked what brought them here and they said, “Well, we sat down with a phone book,” how long has it been since we had phone books, right?
Jeff:
Yeah.
Terry:
They sat down with a phone book and they had one page open to counselors and they had one page open to divorce lawyers and they were trying to decide which page to look at.
Jeff:
Wow! Wow!
Terry:
It had gotten that far in their relationship. And so I think you’re right. I think in a lot of cases it gets to that point where we have tried everything we can possibly think of, nothing’s working, we either have to reach out for somebody or we have to break it off.
Jeff:
Right. Right. So the hope is here with the Journey, and there’s a lot of hopes that we have around Journey, but one of the hopes is that people will engage with these podcasts and that they can actually get some good counsel, although this isn’t counseling, this is coaching. But if we have people like you on the podcast, we can actually get some very good tips and some help to navigate some of these relational issues.
Jeff:
So yeah, let’s dive in here. And like I say, just sort of have this as a little mini relationship workshop here and talk to folks that hopefully aren’t in the deep weeds yet. So why don’t we start out, Terry, why really would we even want to address our relationships? Why would we want to be kind, gracious, to one another? After all, if I’m here and you’re there, why don’t we just go at each other and the last one standing wins?
Terry:
Well, yeah, you could try that. How’s that working for you?
Jeff:
Not real good, right. So…
Terry:
No, I think that’s the approach a lot of people have is they’re at such loggerheads by the time they walk in that there’s so much anger and there’s so much negativity and there’s so much… there’s just a lot of hurt underneath the anger. I tell people, I see anger as a secondary response, the secondary emotion. We don’t get angry usually unless we’re hurt and we feel somebody is responsible and those are the components that make us really, really angry.
Terry:
And then anger is a defense mechanism. It’s something we try to do to regain some of the power we feel like we’ve lost by being hurt. And so we get angry and it’s kind of like… One example I’ve used a lot of times, it’s just using anger, especially in a marriage or in a tight relationship, a good relationship, or a relationship you’re trying to make healthy, it’s kind of like using a hammer as the only tool in your toolbox.
Jeff:
Ouch!
Terry:
If you had to replace a light switch, would you grab the hammer?
Jeff:
Right, no.
Terry:
Well, no. You [crosstalk 00:04:45]-
Jeff:
Well, that’s right. Because I’m so terrible with tools I wouldn’t even know what to do with… But, yeah, right. You want to start-
Terry:
You want to start with a screwdriver-
Jeff:
Right, the right tool for that.
Terry:
You want to find another tool. A lot of times by the time people come into counseling they don’t have any other tools, the only tool they have in their toolbox is hammer. And that’s just not working.
Jeff:
Right. Right. And so healthy relationships, and let me just underline this here. We could just land on this and then just hit the pause button. But really healthy relationships are so important. If you’re not in one now, if you can think back to when you were and just the joy that comes from that and the energy that’s gathered versus the bucket draining-ness of unhealthy relationships, this is really important.
Terry:
Right.
Jeff:
Really important stuff.
Terry:
Well, and I think what happens a lot of times when two people, whether it’s a man and wife or whether it’s a brother and sister, it’s a parent and a child, when two people come in to talk about their relationship, a lot of times what I see is a lot of finger pointing. If he would just change, if she would just do something different, if he would just stop doing something, then this would be okay. And a lot of times I feel like one person is dragging another one in and they’re saying, “Here, change her, change him.”
Terry:
The reality is it takes two people to make this relationship work or not work. And it’s not just one thing or another, it really gets down to kind of what we’ve talked about is how do you talk to each other? Do you use that hammer of anger? Are you feeling justified in just being angry all the time? And how is that working for you? How’s that affecting the other person and how are you feeling? When you spend a lot of time being angry, I’ll just ask you back, “When you spend a lot of time angry, how do you feel? Energized or worn out?”
Jeff:
Right. Exactly. Well, and I think as you’re talking, it’s really easy and it always has been easy to avoid healthy relationships, right? It’s really, really easy to just be mad and move on kind of thing. And especially with social media, it’s made it a lot easier to just sort of get that jab out there.
Terry:
Right.
Jeff:
And so it seems like, and this is just what I found in my own life, is I’ve got to really put that relational piece as a priority and say, “Yeah, it really is worth the energy that it’s going to take to do this, but it is going to take some energy and it’s going to take some time.”
Terry:
Right. Well, you have to answer for yourself that question of, why do I even want to do that? Why not be angry? Why not be compassionate? At least I gain respect. If I’m angry, it feels like people are respecting me. But the reality is they’re not, they’re just avoiding you because you’re angry.
Jeff:
So what can you do if you’re angry, if someone’s angry consistently, but they don’t know how to change. That’s just their mindset, that’s just their life, right? They’re just an angry person. What are some tips there?
Terry:
Well, I think it depends a lot. If somebody comes into my office and that’s the situation, I have to do a lot of assessments. So the counselor in me just kind of do a little alarm thing that says, “Hey, we’re not going to be able to solve that here.” If somebody is as angry as you’re talking about, I really suggest that they find somebody to meet with, find a licensed counselor, a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, whoever you want, but really sit down and say, “Hey, I am angry all the time and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Jeff:
So really it’s that conversation before the conversation that you’ve talked about in the past, right? To really kind of come to a point where you can sit down with somebody else and to start having some healthy conversations.
Terry:
Right. If somebody is just feeling angry a lot and it hasn’t gotten to that point, I guess my encouragement would be, do something about it now because it will get to that point. It becomes a habit and it becomes a way. Our brain has pathways to it and the more we do something, it’s like a muscle. If you exercise one arm and not the other, what would happen?
Jeff:
It’ll be a little lopsided-
Terry:
You’d be lopsided. One arm would be a lot bigger and the other arm would get smaller. The brain neurons kind of work like muscles do too. You use them or you lose them.
Jeff:
Right.
Terry:
And so the more angry we are, the more angry we become. And so I think it’s really, really important for people to take notice of that and say, “No, wait a minute. I’m finding a pattern here. I’m getting more and more angry when I watch TV or when I talk to this person or when I do that.” And, again, if anger is a secondary response, anger management really doesn’t work. You can sit there and say, “Okay, I’m not going to act out in my anger,” but ultimately the anger is just going to keep eating you up inside. You’ve got to find out what’s causing that anger.
Jeff:
Right. Now, I’m just going to go a little shallow dive here. Terry, takes a deeper dive. I’m going to go a little more shallow dive is, I would just point out from, again, a simple perspective, if you’re angry, if there are things bothering you, if you are always sort of looking at the bucket of being half empty, half full, half empty. Again, I’m looking out here at a beautiful blue sky. Now I can look at that blue sky and I can say a couple of things. I can say, “It is gorgeous out there, it’s a bright sunny day.” Or I can look at this flag waving in the background and going, “Oh, I can tell by the direction that flag is waving, there is a cold north wind out there.” And I can pick, right? I can go, “Wow! I’m going to go outside and I’m going to freeze because it’s really cold out,” or I can go outside and go, “Wow! It’s a bright sunny day.” And so that’s just something that I do because it’s like you can pick, right?
Terry:
Right. And I think that’s a key point that you’ve said is you’re aware of your ability to choose. A lot of people aren’t. A lot of people don’t realize that. They just react to the anger. They just see it the one way and they don’t realize there are other ways to see it.
Jeff:
Right. Right. Well, and let’s hit that point and land on that for a minute. That people do have the ability to choose, right? You can pick that emotion.
Terry:
Right.
Jeff:
Yeah.
Terry:
And a lot of times people don’t understand that. Now, if the anger is coming from some deep hurts and there are some deep hurts out there, then I would encourage people to address those. We don’t want to. And I tell some of my clients, “Emotional hurts, emotional wounds feel the same way to our brain as physical ones.” And so when I’m asking somebody to kind of dive into that emotional hurt and figure out, “Why does that hurt me so much? Why is that bothering me?” In a sense, it’s kind of like if I told you to put your hand on the stove and then to keep it there, I know it hurts, but keep it there and try to figure out why it hurts.
Jeff:
Right.
Terry:
You wouldn’t do that. That would be stupid. Please don’t do that. But if you think about it, as far as your brain is concerned, I’m asking you to do that with the emotional hurt. It’s like typically we have something that really, really hurts us. We’re bothered because somebody said something unkind or they didn’t say they loved you before they walked out, we’re really hurt by something. And instead of staying with that hurt and figuring out, “Why that bothers us so much,” we jump into anger and then we try to get them back or we try to do something to rectify the situation, but it’s not working.
Jeff:
Right. Right. So how does somebody choose? So we can choose, that’s an option, we can pick. How do we choose when we just don’t feel like it?
Terry:
I think the first thing is to remind yourself there is a choice. I have chosen to be angry. Why did I choose to be angry? A lot of times we just feel like it’s we’re just reacting versus responding. I think that’s a really key point when we’re looking at things. When something happens, ask yourself, “Am I reacting or am I responding?” Responding takes a few minutes longer, a few seconds longer. A response is what I want to do, a reaction is what happens. Just kind of, it’s almost that animal instinct in us that comes out. A response is something we take a little bit of time for and we choose a decision, we choose a response, versus I just reacted angrily or a knee jerk kind of reaction.
Jeff:
So what if you’re in a conversation with somebody, and this could be about anything. It could be about politics. We had a podcast on politics here a while back. It could be about just something that’s going on in your life, whatever, but you’re responding with anger. What can you do?
Terry:
So you’re feeling the anger inside.
Jeff:
Right.
Terry:
You just had a conversation with somebody. Let’s say you’re talking with your husband or your wife or your somebody, your significant other, and this person has now said something that has offended you. A reaction would be maybe to kick them under the table. That’s not a good idea.
Jeff:
Bruised shins [crosstalk 00:00:13:57]-
Terry:
Because you’re angry, you’re angry. A response would be to say, “Whoa!” Again, this is an internal dialogue and you’re saying, “Whoa, wait a minute. Man, I’m really getting angry about something that they said. Where is that coming from?” Well, again, it only takes a second or two to kind of do that internal processing, that internal dialogue. And then my response might be, “Oh yeah, when he said, or she said, this, I took offense at it because I felt like it was a slam. I felt like it was an insult to me.” So-
Jeff:
So slowing down, right? Because it’s almost like a tit-for-tat sometimes, and it’s just slowing down, a little breath, taking a few seconds. It could be uncomfortable because it hasn’t been done before, it’s not that tit-for-tat. It’s just going, “Okay, let me get a little perspective here, a little breathing room, a little sense of where to move on next.”
Terry:
Right. Well, and then the reaction might be, “Okay, I don’t want to come across angry. That’s a decision I’ve made in my head. I want to come across as I’m curious.” So what I tell my clients is, it’s really, really hard to be angry and curious. Try it sometime. If you’re angry, it’s usually because you’ve come to a decision you’re not curious anymore. So it’s really hard to be angry and curious. So get curious and say, “I’m wondering why that affected me so badly. I’m wondering why he said it or she said it,” and then out of the curiosity then form your question and the question or the comment you might want to make back to that person is, “Wow! That really hurt. It sounds like you’re just really… that was quite the insult.”
Jeff:
Right.
Terry:
You’re telling that person the stuff that’s underneath the anger, you’re telling that person, “This is what happened.” You’re not giving it to them out of anger, you’re giving it to them out of curiosity. “Hey, why didn’t you just say that? That really hurt.” What do you think your response would be if somebody said that to you?
Jeff:
Well, yeah, you’re going to be like, “Oh, okay. Well… ” I mean, there’s just more of that sort of a fertile ground to cultivate some discussion.
Terry:
Right. Because then as a receiver on that end of it, you’re probably going to lean in and go, “Oh wow! I didn’t… ” Half the time it might be, “Why didn’t you?” “No, I never meant that. That was a slip of the tongue. I’m so sorry.” Or it might be a rare thing where you might say, “Yeah, I kind of did because I was angry about something else.” And then you get into this discussion about what’s really going on under the surface.
Jeff:
So a key word is curiosity, isn’t it?
Terry:
Yeah. Because otherwise a reaction might be, I get angry and say something back to you and you get angry at me and now we’ve got our fight or flight syndrome going between the two of us and we’re going to get into a really good fight.
Jeff:
Right. So a little curiosity, a few deep breaths can do amazing things, right?
Terry:
Absolutely. I think that works on a lot of different levels. We talked before on another podcast about politics and what happens, and I think this is one of those things, again, staying curious is one of the best ways to stay out of the anger zone.
Jeff:
Right. Right. And, yeah, and we don’t have as much as we think sometimes we have got the solution for the problem. There’s curiosity getting more input to be open. That really is a sign of maturity, right?
Terry:
Oh, sure.
Jeff:
Higher emotional intelligence and maturity, and it seems like we would all like to be a little bit more mature and…
Terry:
Well, it helps us to respond rather than react.
Jeff:
Right. Right. Well, thanks for joining us today on this podcast. Again, we want to talk about those topics that are really important to talk about and at the core of Journey are healthy relationships. At the core of Journey is that seven session coaching process where you can find someone, a guy to guy, girl to girl, couple to couple, and sit down and just start having some very good conversations to really focus on yourself as you look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Hey, how can I bring a better version of myself to the world?” And we will promise you, promise, promise, that if you do the work, it’s worth it. That your bucket will be filled, that you will be happier, healthier, find more peace, patience and joy and that the people around you will also find more peace, patience and joy.
Jeff:
Yeah, so plug in to Journey and it’s a start to start building those relationships. You can contact us in many different ways and just reach out to us through the website at journeycoaching.org, and we appreciate you listening. And Terry, thank you so much for coming out of the counseling office and sharing some insights that… Again, you’re seen every day, right?
Terry:
Oh, yeah, and I love doing this. I love being able to kind of share some things with people on a broad scale so they can kind of work on their relationships. So I can only see one person at a time.
Jeff:
Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. So let’s do the coaching thing. Again, counseling is great, but a lot of us do the coaching thing so we might not have to necessarily go into the counseling office.
Terry:
There you go-
Jeff:
All right.
Terry:
Trying to put us out of business.
Jeff:
There you go. Thanks for listening.
Jeff:
Thank you for listening. Tune in next time and make sure you like and subscribe. Visit us at journeycoaching.org, and check us out on Facebook and Instagram. Start your own journey at journeycoaching.org.
Jeff:
(singing).